Limits
by MadHatta106
Summary: Pre-engagement: Bella confronts Edward about their frustratingly non-existent sex life and is happily surprised when she and Edward have a D&M that allow them to start taking baby steps towards their happily-married-and-sexed-up-after. A trace of fluff and a glimpse into the minds of two loved up, frightened virgins.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi, guys! So this is a little something I've had on my computer for ages and never got around to publishing. **

**In my mind, Bella and Edward's conversation about sex, marriage and changing was too short and left out a whole lot that a real, mature couple should talk about. This is my alternative. **

**It's fluffy enough that it makes me happy without making me cringe - I hope it does the same for you. Enjoy.**

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With a restrained sigh Edward forced the tone of our kissing to lighten, the intensity to fade and the pace to slow, until finally he gave me a chaste peck and pulled away.

I sighed, my frustration evident. Edward ran his thumb over my cheek looking apologetic.

"You know we can't." He murmured.

I nodded, "I know – I just..." I hesitated. My relationship with Edward, whilst such a fundamental element to my life and my soul, was also very precarious. It felt as though we were constantly walking along a tight rope trying to find a balance between his vampiric nature and my humanity. But it wasn't fair to put this on him, he worked hard for his control – who was I to tell him to dismiss it?

He was looking at me expectantly but I deflated, my eyes turning downcast.

"No," His finger ran under my chin to pull my gaze up again, "What is it?" Again I hesitated. We'd talked about this and I knew his foot was firmly down when it came to rearranging the lines of our physical relationship. What was the point of re-hashing it?

"It's nothing, don't worry, okay?" I said turning to give his hand a kiss.

This time he sighed, drawing my eyes back to him, hoping he would leave the issue alone.

His gaze fell to my mouth and he frowned.

"I feel like we're dancing around this..." His eyes narrowed, "this situation we've found ourselves in."

I frowned, not quite understanding what he meant.

"What situation?" His hand pulled through his hair as he contemplated his words.

"The situation where I am a vampire and you are a human and we are attempting to have some kind of physical relationship," His eyes found mine and I could see the discomfort in them, "I find it a difficult subject to discuss – especially with you."

"Why especially with me?" In all honesty, I hadn't imagined that Edward even thought about it that much, never mind discussed it. He was always so...polite about the topic, the conversation never ventured beyond what could still be said in front of my father. The idea that he spoke about such things to _anyone_ surprised me slightly.

Of course, I realise that he is only human – fundamentally – and that it must be...a topic of interest for him but that idea just didn't blend with my concept of Edward.

He frowned again, "However foolish it may sound, in my mind I can still hear my father reminding me never to talk about such things in front of a lady." He paused watching my reaction for a moment.

I allowed myself a small laugh but couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

"That does sound foolish." I agreed sliding my hands to rest on his shoulders. "And you're right – we should..._discuss_...this more. I'm every bit as hesitant as you, but that's not to do with morals, I'm just a coward."

He scoffed, "The fact that we're in this _situation_ is testament to the contrary."

I rolled my eyes, "Not being a coward requires the bravery to face something you fear and I've never been afraid of you."

He gave me a small smile and brushed some hair out of my face, "Despite all reason and sense that is true."

I straightened up where I sat on his lap, mentally preparing myself for where this conversation could lead.

"Okay, well, I'll agree to overcome my cowardly, shy nature if you agree to ignore your father's voice, just for this discussion." I said, my words sounding braver than I felt at the prospect. Already my face was warming up. Edward slowly nodded.

"I'll try," Nervousness laced his words but he seemed determined to say whatever it was that inspired this need to _discuss_, "I am terrified of doing anything beyond kiss you. You are strange in your ability to dismiss how strong I am and how utterly breakable you are and you put far too much faith in my control." I sighed slightly; apparently we _were_ going re-hash this.

"And I think you don't give yourself enough credit – you've earned the right to believe in yourself, Edward, and in your ability to control yourself around me. That there's a me to be around proves that."

He frowned and shook his head, "I understand what you're saying, Bella, I really do. I'm hugely pleased and relieved that I have as much control as I do but you don't realise how close I've come to that control being shattered just because you pressed yourself against me when we were kissing, or because you kissed my neck when I wasn't expecting you to or because of the way you said my name." He looked at me imploringly.

My cheeks flamed but I felt a small bud of satisfaction at his words.

His eyes dropped and his frown deepened, "And I don't think you take into account my plain old human desire for you that begs at me not to stop – that plays a significant part in my control."

"You're right, I hadn't," I said leaning back slightly, hoping the small amount of distance gained would help to suppress my awkwardness, "But to be honest, Edward, I don't see that side of you. Whenever you talk about desires and control it's always in reference to how easily you could kill me," I shifted uncomfortably, "And I don't really see or...understand why you would want me...like that." His mouth opened and his eyes lit up with protests, "It's not that I think I'm unattractive, it's just...you and all your family – who I spend most of my time with – look like airbrushed supermodels twenty-four seven and I _don't_. If I got one moment of airbrushed supermodel in a year I would be happy."

His hands moved up to my face tracing over my skin and brushing through my hair.

"That's somewhat like how I feel about my soul in comparison to yours." He said quietly his face showing obvious and unearned reverence, "You are so good. You've never done a truly bad thing in your life – I'd be surprised if you'd ever had a truly bad _thought_ in your life. And here I am – a once willing and gleeful murderer. You make me feel entirely inadequate in that way," He gave me a small sad smile, "Like I'm tainting you just by breathing the same air."

I never realised he put me up on such a pedestal. I wasn't anywhere near that perfect or pure. Whilst, I was no murderer I wasn't as saintly as he seemed to think.

"I've never seen you that way," I shook my head lost for a way to verbalise how I felt about him, "To me your soul is just as 'pure' as mine, if not slightly purer because you have such strong demons to fight."

He seemed to think my words over, considering their meaning, but it was obvious that he didn't feel that way at all. I think he appreciated the comment though, not many people can tell him this, can give him reassurance and most people like to be told that someone thinks they're good.

"And the same can be said for you," His eyes lifted and a smile tugged at the corner of his lips, "I see you as a perfectly airbrushed supermodel all the time, which impresses me to no end considering how terrible humans can look." He watched me thinking for a moment before his smile broadened, "And I imagine that you are as reluctant to accept how I see you as I am to accept how you see me." I nodded a small smile on my lips. I liked that we were the same in this way, that we were both self conscious (admittedly for very different reasons), it helped to make him that little bit more human, more...relatable I suppose.

"But going back to the topic at hand," He began, "Trying to balance my control and my upbringing is leaving us stuck at kissing which usually ends in you being frustrated with me and I'm not sure how to make this better."

"When you say your upbringing... I don't really know what you mean," I admitted feeling that fleeting sensation of being able to relate to him fluttering away, "I get the whole sexually repressed thing," He gave me a mocking glare, "But...to what extent do you still believe in that?"

His hands moved to rest on my waist, "It's in these moments that I remember how _young_ you are and how _old_ I am," He said, his face twisting at the wry humour in it.

"Well at least you have supposed wisdom and experience on your side – I get left feeling...foolish and like a child." I could hear the petulance in my own disgruntled voice, further proving my point.

Edward chuckled, "Yes, but you have the rest of the world on your side as they too are all a part of the twenty first century. I feel ever so slightly like an antique."

"You haven't answered my question." I reminded him, before we could both get carried away, focusing on who had it better the young or the eternally young.

His eyes narrowed at me slightly, "Try not to mock me?"

That wasn't a good sign for my post sexual revolution ideologies.

I nodded.

"I still believe in it to such an extent that, were I still human, I would still be hesitant to go beyond our current physical relationship..." He eyed me for a moment, "At least until we were married."

I could feel my face scrunch up at the word.

"That's...really...not what I'd hoped." I admitted, "But, I suppose, what I already knew."

His face turned contemplative for a moment, "I'm curious. How much of a physical relationship do you want? Taking into account the fact that I am a vampire."

I blushed and my heart sped to catch up with my anxiety towards having to actually say it, "To me, it doesn't really matter what you are. I would – I _want_ to have as full a physical relationship as possible," The air caught in my throat a little, "I want to have sex with you."

He dragged in a long breath, not looking me in the eye.

"I think I already knew that too...and it's that much harder to deny now that you've said it."

"I wouldn't be unhappy if you stopped denying it." I said teasingly, knowing he wouldn't agree to this. He just rolled his eyes at me.

I ran my hand through his hair, contemplating what I had learnt.

"So – just to clarify – you do want to be with me in that way?" I asked anxiously.

He frowned at me, "Of course I do," He wrapped his arms back around me, pulling me closer, his face nuzzling its way into my neck, "I wish you wouldn't doubt how utterly...alluring I find you." I smiled feeling a spread of warmth through my chest at his comment.

I tugged on his hair so I could see his face. It felt strangely important to be able to gauge his reactions during this conversation.

"Then, tell me, show me more often, that that's how you feel." I implored feeling a little bold.

His brow furrowed in confusion.

"Bella, I tell you how beautiful you are nearly every time I see you."

"I know," I gave him a quick kiss, "And it's very much appreciated but being beautiful and being..._alluring_ is different. And," My boldness increased as my frustration came to support it, "You pull away _every single time_ we kiss, you stop me if you think my hands are going to wander, your hands _never_ deviate from 'safe zones' and your chivalry stops you from ever verbalising how you feel," My eyes finally lifted from their study of Edward's collar to look at his face, "I'm not saying you should...grope me at every opportunity or start talking like we're in some trashy romance novel. I'm just saying it's hard to know that you feel that way when you don't show it." My boldness fled and my embarrassment crashed into me like a wave.

Edward was quiet for a moment, looking slightly taken aback.

"I thought I was easier to read than that," He admitted, "I feel you've, perhaps, misinterpreted me. I pull away from kissing you because if I don't..." His eyes drifted down to my lips, his thumb coming up to run over them, "Things would become very heated very quickly. I stop you from running your hands all over me because wherever you touch my skin," He lips quirked into a grin, "It causes this rush of the most incredible, warm sensation and if you started touching me – out of the 'safe zones'," He said teasing my phrasing, "I dare not think what embarrassing effects that could have on me.

"I don't let my hands stray too far because I'm fairly sure I wouldn't be able to stop them from touching you the way I want to.

"And finally, I don't talk about how I feel because I think that I've already given myself away so fully that I really shouldn't embarrass myself any further."

My eyebrows were raised with incredulity but there was a small smile pulling at the edge of my thumb-fondled lips.

"I think I like your version better." I muttered. Edward chuckled and nodded his agreement.

"I like this though," He said, "That you're giving me a glimpse inside your mind. I can understand why you doubt my desire for you when you see my actions as you do. I will endeavour to be more expressive in the future."

I grinned, "Thank you. And I like it too. I'd always thought that your issue with being physical was your fear of losing control," I grinned, deciding to tease him, "But it's not, you're just a sexually repressed old man who didn't pay attention during the sixties."

Edward started laughing louder than he usually would. He shook his head.

"You're wrong again." I raised an eye brow at him in challenge and his arms tightened around me, his lips going to my jaw.

"I _was_ paying attention," He kissed along my jaw line and moved down to my neck making my breathing a little heavier, "Quite close attention at times," That piqued my curiosity but Edward quickly moved on, pulling the lobe of my ear between his lips before whispering, "And I have absolutely no qualms with having sex with you." A shiver ran across my skin at those words. He was never so blatant.

I felt his tongue flick out to tease my neck before he pulled away and wrapped his hand in my hair. I was warm in the face and a little breathless, made even more breathless by the look of playful devotion in Edward's eyes.

He smiled, "But I want to be able to call you my wife before that." His eyes drifted down to my left hand, his smile widening the longer his gaze lingered, "And I don't want to spend my first night with you terrified that I'm going to hurt you."

I nodded my head shakily.

"I can understand that."

Edward's eyes narrowed at me playfully, "And in the spirit of letting you into my head – as...uncomfortable as it can be to say, I'm a hundred and ten year old virgin, who has the body of a seventeen year old. I am _more_ than eager to sleep with you. But men aren't known for their...control the first go around and I really don't want to turn our first time into a painful and traumatic memory."

I frowned, "Okay, before we get to that, we need to talk about your first condition." I stated.

Edward looked cautious but pleased with the direction of the conversation. He wouldn't be pleased for long.

"I...I'm not too keen on the whole idea of marriage, I never have been. To me it's something you consider in your thirties, but isn't really important," His face fell at my words, "And, knowing how you feel about it makes this harder to say but I don't like the idea of getting married at eighteen," I shrugged helplessly, "It just...it would look like you'd gotten me pregnant and we were having a shotgun marriage." He looked disappointed.

"Ah." He was quiet for a while, his frown deepening as time went on. Eventually he sighed, his face clearing, his shoulders looking heavier.

"Why is it we always find ourselves at an impasse?" He asked rhetorically, obviously wishing that it wasn't the case for this issue.

I leaned my forehead against his.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. He shook his head.

"Don't be. You have every right to your opinion; it just makes this a little more difficult."

I let out a humourless chuckle.

"Because we really needed it to be harder."

Edward's hand came to draw patterns up my side as his tone grew more thoughtful.

"I've made the assumption that you want to sleep together whilst you're still human. Am I right?" He asked.

I nodded.

"Then maybe," He looked at me, trying to hide his emotions under a façade of nonchalance, "If you're more comfortable with getting married when you're thirty, we should wait." My mouth opened to protest before he had even finished but he quickly slapped a hand over my mouth.

"Just think about it Bella. You wouldn't have to marry me yet and I could have a few more years of giving you a human life," His arms tightened around me, "We could go to college – I don't care which one – and we can come back and spend Christmas with your father, go and visit your mother in the summers, you'd get longer with Jacob..." He trailed off, leaving me to think it through. I twined my hands through his hair.

"That all sounds great, Edward, but it's not what I want. I don't want to postpone my life for a decade and I especially don't want to wait that long to be with you...intimately." My face scrunched up, "I think...I should get over my discomfort with marriage. It's important to you, so I'll make it important to me."

Edward chuckled, "I feel like I should hold out on you – sex is quickly becoming a very efficient bribe." I glared at him and he laughed again, "But Bella, I don't want you to have to change what you believe for me."

"Well one of us needs to. It's either I get over the marriage thing or you get over the sex before marriage thing. But you've got the control issue as well that we need to deal with so, I'm happy to be the one to change a little now, when you need to do it later. I'd do it as a means to get closer to what I want, Edward, not _for you_."

His face was partially screwed up. He could see my logic but he still didn't like the idea of me changing for him.

I rolled my eyes and gave him a light kiss, "Being married is more important to you than not being married is to me. I'm okay with this...just give me a little time to wrap my head around it."

Edward stared at me for a while, looking for signs that I was lying, but eventually he nodded.

"Geez don't get so excited, I only practically agreed to marry you." I said sarcastically and he allowed himself a grin.

"I'll be more than excited in a few months when I ask you. Really, I think you're being very presumptuous at the moment." I smacked his shoulder, laughing. If I kept the topic light, I wouldn't freak out about it and I needed to avoid that as much as possible if Edward was going to remain guilt free.

And I could do that. It was quite logical. I love Edward and he loves me. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him anyway but now I'll just get introduced as wife instead of girlfriend. It didn't really change anything...except for the fact that we'll be having sex.

The idea of being with Edward like that – every fibre of my being lit up at the thought. I could marry him to experience that kind of intimacy.

"So, getting back to my biggest issue with us making love whilst you're still human," Edward began, "I don't know how to make this easier...how to get enough control to ensure I don't kill you."

My happy thought flew away as I slammed into the next barrier to my happy sex life.

"What 'part' is the hardest to control?" I asked. My blood didn't seem to be much of a problem for him anymore, but that could just be another misinterpretation.

His frown returned, "I think my strength. It's hard to be certain when I've made sure we've never gone too far but that's always the one I have to monitor closely."

"So the blood? You're okay with that?" I prodded.

He tilted his head, frustrated, "Not exactly. It's still something I have to remain aware of," His eyes dropped down to my neck, "Especially when your heart starts beating quickly and you start warming up," He hesitated for a moment, "Feeling your heart beating through your chest when you're pressed up against me can be quite overwhelming. The vibration of it resonates through me sometimes," He shrugged, "It's the closest I get to having a heart beat and it...awakens nerves."

My cheeks flushed as I contemplated that for a moment.

"So...the blood or my heart beat is...a turn on?"

His lips tightened and his eyes moved to look at something over my head, he was clearly uncomfortable but he admitted it nonetheless.

I tried very hard to keep my smile to a minimum but when he looked at me with accusation in his eyes a small giggle was let loose. I quickly stifled my amusement and went back to the issue at hand – poor Edward looked so uncomfortable, I had to take pity on him.

"Well that's good – that the blood's not a big problem. But your strength is?"

He was intently running his fingers up the length of my forearm as he began to explain.

"I'm usually fine with strength, I learnt years ago how to maintain a human level, but when I become distracted that control slips."

"And sex is kind of one giant distraction from what's going on in your head." I nodded, understanding what he meant.

"Yes, plus the emotion of it and the physical pleasure..." He shook his head, "I'm going to crush you to death. I'll mean to run my hand down your side," His hands mimicked his words, "And I'll break your ribs." He nuzzled his face into my neck, "Or maybe as I'm kissing your neck, my teeth come to rest on your skin, you do something I like...and I bite you."

His face was anguished and I didn't have a solution to this one, I didn't know how to make it easier.

"And even if by some chance that doesn't kill you instantly and I manage to change you without drinking your blood – that whole experience isn't exactly going to make either of us keen to try again, even if you are changed."

I lifted my hand up to cup his cheek and he closed his eyes, turning into it.

"I can't lose you, Bella." He whispered and it finally struck me that Edward was afraid. This strong, beautiful, intelligent man was _truly_ afraid and genuinely believed that he would hurt me.

I wrapped my arms around him and started laying kisses on his shoulder. I didn't know what else to do. I honestly thought that we could sleep together without him hurting me but how could I convince him?

"I love you." I murmured, running my hands along his back.

He released a shaky breath, "I love you too."

"What do we do?" I asked, "Do you want to wait until I'm changed? Or are you willing to try whilst I'm still human? Because I think we can do this if we take it slow enough."

"How?" He asked mockingly, "I can barely kiss you without feeling like I'm losing control. How are we going to sleep together? How are we going to be able to take it slow? You don't exactly have the best track record for that, either, Bella."

I bristled, "No but I tend to go for a mile every time you give me an inch because it happens so rarely," I frowned, "Look I'm not saying it'll be easy or perfect but we can do this. Let me be more involved – if I know that you're starting to struggle then I can stop too, or at least slow down or if I think you might particularly like something then I'll tell you to let go of me before I do it – I can help." I implored.

"And telling me if I'm hurting you." He said seriously.

I rolled my eyes, "Edward, if I'm in pain I'm going to tell you – there's no reason not to. But you need to trust that I can gauge how much pleasure or pain I'm in, okay." I cringed, "I don't want to push you into this. I really don't. But I do truly and whole heartedly believe that we can do this so that I come out unscathed and we both have goofy smiles on our faces."

He nodded, his hands coming up to rub his face. There was so much indecision in his expression. The angst was practically palpable. Finally he sighed.

"Okay, we'll try."

I grinned, "Seriously?"

He allowed himself a small smile, "Yes, but you better look that pleased when I propose or I'll develop a complex."

I laughed and nodded, tightly wrapping my arms back around him before kissing him again. Smiling he pulled away.

"I need to be more familiar with you though, so that the little things don't overwhelm me as much," He said, "So maybe, easing into longer kissing sessions and letting our hands wander a little more," He must have seen my eyes light up because his voice suddenly became stern, "But slowly."

"I can do slowly." I said happily, "But we need to...set boundaries. Where are my hands allowed to go?"

His pulled a face, "Can we leave the 'safe zones' where they are for now?" I was about to protest when he continued, "In exchange for the removal of my shirt?"

I could handle that condition.

"What else do you want as rules?" Trying to keep my utter excitement out of my voice was challenging, and I sensed I wasn't doing a very good job, but this was thrilling – Edward was going shirtless!

His expression changed again to what I was quickly coming to recognise as his embarrassed face.

"You, sometimes bite my neck, up around my ear…it might be best if you didn't do that."

"Really?" Yet another bit of surprising news.

He shrugged, "It just seems to be higher up on my neck. Lower is fine."

"Anything else?"

"Let's start with that." He said giving her a cheeky smile as he reached to take his shirt off.

The following make out session was probably one of the highlights of my life.

Sex with Edward was going to be so great.

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**So I've got a couple of follow up chapters I can post if you guys are interested. Let me know!**

**Vicki :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello :)**

**Thank you to everyone that reviewed, followed or favourited this story! It really means the world to me! I hope you all enjoy this chapter as well.**

**Also, just a warning - this is going to be a semi-drabbley type fic. There isn't a strong sense of plot, they're just a collection of conversations that I wished had happened between Edward and Bella. They've been left half-written, with chunks missing where I got bored, on my computer for months and months so I'm now going back and adding a vague sense of continuity.**

**Oh also, I am bad at editing, and more to the point, I don't care that much so apologies for any spelling/grammar errors. I'm sure there are many.**

**And, of course, I own nothing. I am but a lowly fan toiling away under the whip of my thieving imagination.**

**Enjoy!**

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Alice had caught onto the fact that Edward and I were blurring our physical boundaries and had felt the need to assist us, much to my chagrin. She'd taken it upon herself to buy me nicer pyjamas. Admittedly, she definitely took into consideration what I would be comfortable with, but she did still try to nudge me out of my comfort zone with some of the items she'd placed in my draws.

My reaction fluctuated from a fingers-in-the-ears approach to confident and willing to explore a more _appealing_ night-time wardrobe. Of course this confidence usually fled me the moment I went to select my pyjamas before my shower. However, today I was determined.

Edward and I...things were good.

Our conversation had led to a variety of improvements. For one, I got to spend more of my time kissing him than previously and he was getting better at expressing his human desires – whilst still maintaining his gentlemanly manners of course. Another big plus was the fact that we spoke more freely about everything. Not so much _it_ but pretty much everything else. It was much easier understanding where he was coming from and he said he enjoyed the insights into my mind as well.

And as a result of all this openness and flirtation I am smothering the cowardly voice in my head and putting on the nice night wear Alice had bought me.

Edward would be climbing through my window in about thirty minutes, when Charlie had fallen asleep, till then I was busying myself with a fantastically warm shower and the mind numbing task of drying my hair. Then, hopefully by the time he was already here (so I couldn't chicken out and dive into my room for a daggy pair of track pants) I would put my silky, skin-revealing pyjamas on and stroll into my room like there was nothing different.

It was the last bit I was struggling with most.

But my plan had worked; there was no backing out of it without risking Edward seeing me in a towel. So the silk went on, the bathroom door opened, my bedroom door closed and suddenly I found myself standing in front of Edward in a loose singlet and tight shorts with my heart pounding like a train.

He was sitting up in my bed and turned to look at me as I entered the room an indulgent smile pulling at his lips.

"Why are you so nervous?" He asked in a surprisingly breathy voice after a moment of tense waiting.

I inhaled shakily, shrugging, "You make me nervous at the best of times."

"And this is the best of times?" He questioned, no doubt trying to break the ice a little.

I let out an embarrassed chuckle.

"Hopefully, but that depends on how much you like the pyjamas."

His smile returned to a straight line as he slid his legs off the bed, facing me fully. I took his extended hand and he brought me closer to him as his eyes turned appraising.

"Hmmm."

He turned me around and I felt like you could melt butter on my cheeks as I realised his eyes were quite well aligned to my silk covered behind.

My neck had a flash of cool air as he moved my hair to drape over my shoulder. Then his lips found my neck, his arm coming to wrap around my waist. A small gasp escaped me. His lips sent dancing electricity shooting through my body at a phenomenal speed. Suddenly my pink cheeks weren't the results of embarrassment but rather the consequence of Edward's cell-awakening touch.

He was too good at this.

"I think we can safely say that these," He tugged gently on the bottom of my blue top, "have my stamp of approval."

I breathily giggled, turning in his arms so I could feel his lips against mine. There was something about the texture of our lips sliding and rubbing against each other that did amazing things to my heart rate.

I pulled away, moving my hands to tease along the edge of his shirt, "Will you—" His lips moved down to my jaw line, sending goose bumps down my body. I smiled, pushing against him slightly.

"Stop distracting me."

He grinned, "I don't think I can agree to that."

"No, no. Will you take off your shirt?" I asked, the small bubble of nervous energy rising again as I ran my fingers along the small slip of skin I dared to touch, just above his pants.

This time it was him that drew in a sharp breath. His hands snatched out to encircle mine.

"Yes," He slid my hands further up his abdomen, "But…higher up, alright?"

"Lower down good or bad?" I asked, uncertain whether his reaction was a good sign or not.

Edward scoffed.

"Good."

He quickly took his shirt off, leaving my hands in place on his chest. I still wasn't used to seeing so much exposed skin. It was tantalising. There was no other way to put it. My mind didn't dwell on wording for long though, as Edward moved back onto the bed, pulling my down so I was on top of him.

I couldn't help the smile that came when I realised just how far we had already come…and how much further we had to go.

I curled up into Edward's side, pleased with how the evening went but unhappy that it had to end so soon. He wrapped me in his arms, not bothering with the thick blanket just yet, and began stroking soothing patterns across my skin.

The bliss of the moment was quickly overwhelming me. My eyes grew heavier and my muscles more relaxed, I knew I would probably be asleep soon and so I was surprised to hear Edward speak.

"Why were you so nervous at first? I'm not that daunting am I?" His voice was light and casual but there was a genuine anxiety running beneath it. I snuggled further into his chest.

"You are in a way – a good way. Being nervous makes it...exciting." I explained sleepily. His hand brushed the hair off the side of my face so he could look at me.

"You haven't answered by question." He pushed quietly, "Why were you nervous?"

"Isn't it normal to be a little nervous about this sort of thing when you're new at it?" I questioned.

He sighed, "Yes, but because of how undeniably enthusiastic you are it seems...odd for you to have that reaction." His words were slightly nonsensical in my sleepy haze but I managed to dredge out their meaning, causing a frown to appear instantly.

"Well, tonight it was the clothes not what we were doing – I really look forward to doing that stuff," I explained a smile creeping onto my face, "But the whole...will you like it thing...that makes me nervous."

"So you're scared of what I might think?" I nodded lazily.

"Only sometimes," I qualified as a new thought occurred to me, "Do you ever get nervous?"

He let out a chuckle, "Yes, definitely." That sparked my interest, even in my drowsy state. I pulled myself into a sitting position and looked down at him curiously.

"What makes you nervous?"

I could see his eyebrow rise in the darkness as he moved to sit up beside me.

"You act as though you thought me immune to nervousness."

I slumped to lean on his shoulder and his hand found mine, rubbing my skin delicately.

"I kinda do. I mean, I _know_ you must get nervous, but I can't imagine why you ever would be." I explained, the haziness retreating from my mind as I put it to the task of forming coherent sentences.

He chuckled shyly, "I'm afraid I'm far more insecure than you imagine."

"Will you tell me?" I asked lazily. Whilst this was a topic of great interest for me – simply because it was about Edward – the calm, loving cocoon that was created every time I went to sleep with Edward at my side, still remained, making the conversation easy.

"Too many things to list," He said quietly, "I suppose you already know some of my fears – of hurting you, of being a monster – I think those things that make me nervous can be harder to pin point than fears." I listened silently, enjoying the sound of his voice and the comfort of snuggling up to his side in bed.

"Your opinion makes me nervous – particularly if I'm trying to give you a gift," I could hear the smile in his voice, "I'm always a little nervous when I see you for the first time in the day, or after being apart from you for a while. Emmett and his big mouth make me nervous." I giggled at that one.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

He shrugged, making my head bop with his shoulder, "Emmett has an encyclopaedic knowledge of things I've done since about 1936 – and I fear every day that he will start regaling you with stories of the stupid, embarrassing and awkward things I've done throughout my life." I grinned. I was _definitely_ going to ask Emmett to tell me stories.

"What else?" I encouraged, starting to run my fingers up and down his forearm as he spoke.

"Hm...I'm nervous of your parents' disapproval. Feeling old – or of you seeing me as old makes me nervous. Being feared by people makes me nervous, but so does them not fearing me – not that I want to scare anyone but...it's generally better if people don't get too close. I'm nervous of drawing the Volturi's attention to us. I'm nervous of you choosing to be with me, choosing to be turned and regretting it. I'm nervous of being bad in bed – I think that would bruise my ego quite badly for a while," He continued playfully, "Going to all this effort to be able to try and then my control being perfectly fine but I'm just plain terrible at it."

I snorted, "You can't seriously think that. I melt into a pile of goo as soon as I think you're going to kiss me!"

He chuckled, "It's not a _big_ worry, but it's still there at the back of my mind. I'm sure it'll become more prominent the closer it gets to being an issue. But I appreciate the vote of confidence." He turned and kissed the top of my head, "And I'm nervous of what you think of how I look." My mouth opened, so I could explain how fantastically gorgeous I thought he was, but his hand slipped over it, "Shh, let me share." Surprised, I nodded.

"I worry that you would prefer it if I were the same temperature as you – I definitely would. I know you don't like the cold, I feel like touching you is an imposition. I wonder if you would like it better if I had human reactions – if my heart rate could increase, if I could go red if you said something that embarrassed me – I wonder if you would like it better if I could kiss you properly, without having to worry about where my teeth are, or if you would prefer if I wasn't so...angular. I wonder if you would prefer if I were human so we would look more alike – so you didn't always feel like the ugly duckling." His voice stayed calm and even but the atmosphere grew more melancholy with every thing he listed. I wanted to stop him, to reassure him that I didn't want him any different.

"Edward I—"

"Let me finish. Please." Frowning, I nodded again and squeezed his hand.

"I wonder if you wish you could hit me and make it hurt when I say stupid things or make you angry. I wonder if you wish you could give me a love bite. I wonder if you wish you could take me to meet your mother and not have to worry about the sun. I wonder if you wish I could grow a beard or a moustache," He chuckled to himself, "Or maybe just stubble and watch me attempt the rugged look." I laughed quietly too. I couldn't imagine Edward with stubble.

"I wonder if you wish I had freckles or scars or tattoos or a strange thing on my arm that I'd had all my life but didn't know what it was. I wonder if you wish I looked older – I was only seventeen when I was changed, I realise that doesn't provide me with the most masculine physique..." He paused for a moment after that one and I wondered if that was the one that bothered him most.

I mean girls are pretty much physically developed by the time they reach seventeen – in terms of appearances – but boys...they were in their early twenties when that happened. I can understand why that would be...an issue for him. Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper where all in their twenties when they were changed...you can tell that Edward was younger, although his demeanour tends to confuse people about his age. He acts older and it's not like he was fourteen when he was changed. He could get away with anything up to maybe twenty six – twenty seven pushing it.

"I wonder if you wish I could get a haircut – I certainly have at times." I smiled at the lightness in his voice. It was obvious that his self consciousness at his body wasn't as bad as mine, or at least, he'd learnt to manage it and accept how he looked, whereas I was still undecided about that.

"I love your hair." I mumbled quietly, aware that he'd asked me to let him finish. Again he laid a kiss on top of my head and continued.

"I wonder if you resent my heightened senses, if you feel they're intrusive. I wonder if you wish I could get sick or have morning breath or sleep beside you or eat your cooking or cry. I wonder if you wish I could get a huge outbreak of zits because I ate too much pizza. I wonder if you wish we could have children together," His head fell back and he sighed, "I wonder if you wish I was human but I also wonder if you prefer that I'm not."

That conversation got so much heavier than I was expecting it too.

"That's a big question..." I stated stupidly, "And a lot of things to be nervous over."

He nodded, "I did tell you I was far more insecure that you thought." I nodded silently and sat contemplating for a minute. I needed to gather my thoughts before I responded to something as big as that.

"Okay, well, I do sometimes wish you were human. I _have_ spitefully wished a plague of zits upon you...but that's mostly so I'd feel better about how I looked...I feel I need to work on how I see myself – but that's a different matter." I said resolutely, this was about Edward, not me. We can deal with my body image issues later, "I definitely resent your senses sometimes, particularly smell...I've become far more meticulous with hygiene since I found out you were a vampire. I try to take comfort in the fact that you're probably more focused on the smell of my blood than the smell of anything else. Sight too, I guess; I worry if you can see my blocked pours and stray eyebrow hairs in fantastically magnified detail.

"I've gotten used to your temperature though. What irritates me about it is that you seem to feel it necessary to wrap me in the thickest blanket or article of clothing you can get your hands on if you plan on touching me for more than a few minutes," I gave a pointed look to the ridiculous comforter that was cocooning me and separating me from him. He smiled sheepishly, "You should let temperature regulation be my problem. I'm a big girl, and not so masochistic, if I get cold I'll put another jacket on.

"Uh, what else did you say? Hm...I don't wish you could get sick, 'cause then I'd get sick and I hate being sick. It'd be nice if you could eat with me but I don't really care whether you can or not – it also means that you can't hog the popcorn when we're watching a movie;" I pointed out, "Which is a very good thing.

"As for what you look like...you're extremely handsome Edward, the only reason I'd ever change that would be like the zits – to make myself feel better," A thought struck me, "But I'd love to see what your eyes were like before you were changed. Carlisle said they were green... Uh, I've never gotten the whole tattoo thing; whenever I see one all I can think about is how much that person will regret it when they get wrinkly and faded."

"What about having children?" He questioned. I squeezed his hand again.

"If I was going to have children with anyone it would be you, Edward, but I was still undecided about whether I wanted kids or not. If I can't have _your_ children...then I don't want any. Don't feel guilty about it, Edward. I wasn't sold on the idea anyway, it's not like I'd dreamed of being a mother all my life.

"Not being able to go in the sun in public – that's probably one of the bigger things for me. With you its fine, it's just like if you were allergic to nuts and I couldn't eat them before kissing you...but _I_ _could_ still eat them. When I change though – we're going to need to go on vacation to sunny deserted islands. I'll really miss the sun," I shrugged, it was true. I preferred Phoenix over Forks in terms of weather but the people I loved were here and so it made the bad weather bearable, "And you're not allowed to use this to try and get me to stay human. I've already made up my mind."

He shook his head, "Bella, I'm going to use anything and everything I can to make you change your mind about being turned. And if that means bribing you with sunny urban holiday destinations then so be it," I laughed, knowing it wouldn't work, "But please continue."

My brain drew a blank on what I should be talking about. I thought I'd covered most things on his list.

"What else did you say?"

"Do you wish you could hit me and actually hurt?" His voice was teasing and just a little bit arrogant; making it one of those times I wish I could slap him.

"_Oh yeah_." I said nodding my head enthusiastically.

He laughed and I turned my head to see him grinning down at me.

"I'll take that to mean you would do so frequently?" He asked still chuckling.

"Usually when you start talking about how kill-able I am and you start getting broody." I admitted and his smile only spread further.

"Constructive abuse then?" He questioned cheekily.

"Definitely," I agreed, "Purely for your benefit."

"What about love bites?"

I grinned then, "Yeah, I'd love to give you a hickey and then watch you try to hide it from Charlie."

"Emmett would give me a lot of grief if I ever came home with a love bite – and he'd be merciless towards you. Innuendo abound." He was grinning at the thought of it.

"Do you think about being human a lot?" I asked, curious if this was something he'd only started doing since he'd known me.

"Yes. Being with you would be so much easier if I were human...I could offer you so much more." I decided to ignore that, since he already offered me so much.

"Do you think you could ever go back to it? You know, suddenly not being as smart or as strong or as fast; suddenly not being able to read anyone's mind." It was something I'd wondered. Would they give it up if they had the chance or had they gotten used to what they were.

He shook his head, "It would be a dramatic and, I'm sure, aggravating change but yes, if I could I would be a human."

I leaned up and kissed his cheek.

"Can I explain to you why I want you to change me, without you interrupting?" I asked him softly. It was such a touchy subject for him; he never wanted to speak about it unless he was trying to change my mind but knowing that he wanted to be human...I felt the need to explain.

He frowned down at me, "I already know why you want to be changed."

"Just let me say it." I said taking umbrage, "For all you know you've been very presumptuous, it wouldn't be the first time we misunderstood one another." I reminded him.

His face softened, "No, that's true. Fine. Explain."

"It's all about being your equal," I started, "Because intellectually and physically you and I are miles and miles apart. The only thing we match up in is emotionally," I gave him a pointed look as the desire to speak sprung up in his eyes, "Intellectually, I can't expect myself to be in line with you – you've had a lot more time, a lot more practice and you have an infallible memory – the only way I'll be able to catch up is through time and I'm okay with that, you never make me feel dumb or anything it's just one of those things that makes us different.

"Physically...there's pretty much nothing but differences between us. And this does bother me because it's not a matter of time – we'll always be this different. Whether I'm eighteen or eighty, it won't change and that's a problem because it's limiting. We can't be together the way we want to be because of it. I feel extremely _unaware_ when I'm around you and your family, which...it just adds to the inferiority complex," Again his eyes lit up with protests, "No, you agreed to no interrupting. You _never_ let me explain this, so just listen!

"I can't join in when you guys play baseball. I have to make sure I don't bleed, which is harder for me than it seems to be for other people. I can't horse around with Emmett because I'm too breakable. I can't stop Alice from dragging me into clothing stores and I lose a lot of my time with you to sleeping and eating. It sucks being different to you! I wouldn't care if we were both human or both vampires – I just want us to be the same and since you can't be a human then I'll be a vampire."

Edward's face was contorted in anguish. I can imagine that he would only see my reasons for wanting to be like him as his fault – and his responsibility to change.

"Bella, you can't understand the consequences of this decision. To become like me you have to sacrifice so much of your life, the people in it, the experiences you can have. It's too much to give up!" His voice was rich with suppressed self-loathing. So I cut him off. He wasn't getting it and I needed him to know where I was coming from.

"I understand that it requires a lot of sacrifice but if I was going to stay with you, even remaining as a human, I'd have to give a lot of things up anyway.

"Eventually I would have to start visiting my parents without you – they'd wonder why they never saw you anymore and I wouldn't want to have to lie all the time, so I'd just stop visiting them.

"I still wouldn't be able to go to sunny public places the way I want to because I couldn't take you or any of our family with me.

"I would still have to give up my friends because we'd keep moving.

"And whilst you might not care about me looking old enough to be your mother or your grandmother I do – I don't want that kind of judgement and I definitely don't want to start getting wrinkly and liver spotted and have a dodgy hip and a sore back when you and your family are sitting next to me looking young and beautiful and with perfectly functioning bodies when mine's just slowly deteriorating in front of you!

"I've chosen to be with you, Edward. That means I have to give things up and it means I get other things in return. But those things don't change too much whether I stay human or I'm changed – my outlook on life and how I see and feel about myself does change though. For the worse if I stay human and for the better if I'm changed.

"So I'm choosing to be with you in the way that will make me happiest and you're just _never_ going to convince me to stay human."

It was silent in the room for a while. Edward was clearly thinking through what I'd said, a pained expression on his face.

"I understand you're point, I really do," He ran his fingers through the ends of my hair, "I know that staying human with me has just as many downfalls as being a vampire with me." I shook my head, an idea slipping into place in my mind.

"You think if I stay human I'll eventually leave you." I accused.

"It's more a hope than a thought." He replied without any remorse, "I don't want this life for you. I think you deserve a thousand times better than what I can offer you and I pray every single day that you realise that. But then I also pray that you don't."

I slapped at his skin uselessly, "This is one of those times that I wish I could hurt you! Jeez, Edward, I don't understand how you can think so poorly of yourself. You are the best thing in my life and you're going to have to learn how to accept that…"

He watched me for a moment, thoughts whirling behind his eyes as I simmered in my annoyance.

"I love you, Bella," He final muttered, "So very much."

I sighed, "I know."

Nodding, he leant down to kiss my forehead, "That may simply be something that takes time."

I squeezed his hand, "And I'm okay with that so long as you're not fighting it every step of the way."

He never said anything after that and eventually my eyes drifted to a close as I was swept away by dreams.

* * *

**So hopefully that wasn't too bad. Let me know what you think :)**

**Victoria**


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